Loss

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My heart breaks to say I’ve miscarried.  Last year started amazingly we bought our first house, got Jacob into the school we wanted and were just enjoying life. We always had plans to give J a sibling, but it had never been a good time until we moved house. In March 2017 I found out I was pregnant and within a day I miscarried. It felt like a huge blow, before I could even get excited, it was taken away from me. I was 6 weeks and it happened ‘naturally’ at home.

It took me a really long time to move on, when it came to the end of the year, I felt devastated that I was not holding my new born baby in my arms like I should have been. So many people I knew were having babies around that time or announcing their pregnancies, & as happy I felt for them, I felt equally as heartbroken that I couldn’t share that same joy.

Fast forward to just under a year ahead.

February 2018 – my pregnancy test was positive, and we felt so excited. It had taken what felt like forever to hold that positive test in my hands. I had my first midwife appointment at 7 weeks, and shared with her my anxiety that this was my third pregnancy, yet had one child. She made me feel at ease, but said they wouldn’t do an early scan for reassurance unless I was feeling any pains or bleeding.

I was SO excited, I could barely hold it in, for my mum’s birthday we all went to London, & decided to tell my family then. Everyone was excited as we were, and life literally couldn’t have been better.

The weekend after that I turned 9 weeks, we were starting to plan ways to tell the rest of our family & friends. I’d bought a pregnancy journal to record how everything was going. Then the weekend went into a blur, J got really sick and was off school, Pete and I were starting to go down with it too, and on the Sunday morning I woke at 5 am from feeling unwell, to find I was spotting. I immediately panicked and rushed to tell Pete. Being a weekend, I called the out of hours doctors who advised me to go to the hospital and take a pregnancy test there, if it was positive they would arrange a scan for the following day.

The test was positive, and the Dr put me at ease saying how light bleeding is very common in early pregnancy, and there could be many reasons for it and not just a miscarriage.

I was booked in for a scan the day after, & the bleeding was getting heavier – I felt sick to my stomach that this was happening again. I was scanned, baby was showing 6 weeks with no heartbeat, and should have been minimum 8-9 weeks. I looked at the scan and saw my baby. They took me to a private room and explained how it looks like baby had stopped growing, and they should have been able to see a heartbeat. They were pretty sure that I was miscarrying and told me what to do, however they booked me in for 10 days time to be re-scanned to see if the dates were off, and I was just early.

I knew the dates were correct, but that didn’t stop me hoping this was all wrong and baby was fine. I felt like my whole world had just turned upside down. How could this be happening again. It all felt so much more real than the first time as I was in hospital being scanned, and I could see baby right there in front of me!

I went home and crumpled, we all did.

The day after I started bleeding even more heavily and endured cramps that lasted for days. I knew what was happening, but still felt in denial. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

Yesterday I went back to be re-scanned, knowing fully well that there would be no good news. Just because I knew it, that didn’t stop the crippling pain I felt in my heart when the nurse announced the sac and baby had gone.

I keep thinking why me? why us? why again? The statistics of miscarriage are really scary. It’s incredibly common,and you are highly likely to know someone who has experienced it whether you know or not, but we just don’t talk about it. Whether its too painful to talk about, or we’re ashamed or the fact people don’t know what to say in response, but it’s not something that many talk about. I wanted to write down how I felt to make sense of it, & to show other women its ok & perfectly normal to feel like this. To grieve for the little ones that didn’t make it & to cry uncontrollably until there are no tears left.

I am incredibly grateful to my ever supportive husband, my family & friends who have shown so much compassion over the past 2 weeks, to my gorgeous Jacob who if he sees mummy crying will come and give a big cuddle without asking any questions, and to the nurses and dr’s at the early pregnancy unit who helped me throughout and guided me through.

Its been really tough, especially with Jacob. How an earth do you tell your five year old. We’ve decided not to tell him, as I don’t think it would be helpful, and hopefully one day we can give him a healthy brother or sister.

I feel crushed that our little babies were taken from us too soon, that I’ll never be able to hold them or kiss them goodnight, but It does give me comfort in knowing I’m speaking about them and sharing their existence – however painfully short lived it was, and baby, regardless of how tiny you were, we had plans for you and loved you.

October will be the due date, as well as it being miscarriage awareness month. So I thought it was only right to share my story for anyone else who is going through or know someone enduring similar heartbreak.

I hope one day we can grow our family again and have a healthy baby, but I will never forget the little ones that slipped away from us, I don’t know how long it will take to make peace with this loss, but hoping this can be the start to gaining some closure.

 

 

 


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